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 Post subject: a little humor
PostPosted: 16 Feb 2018, 13:58 
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Professional Trapper
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Joined: 29 Jan 2007, 10:43
Posts: 7490
Location: Top of the hill in Ill.
Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

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 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 16 Feb 2018, 18:38 
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THE LAST WORD
THE LAST WORD

Joined: 14 Mar 2008, 20:20
Posts: 11839
Location: west virginia
ROFLMAO !!

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Those who trade liberty for security shall have neither.

"Take ye heed,watch and pray: for ye know not when the time is".

Rev. 6:8 and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was death , and Hell followed with him.


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 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 16 Feb 2018, 19:25 
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Joined: 29 Jan 2007, 10:43
Posts: 7490
Location: Top of the hill in Ill.
Senior Citizens

I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists’ high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “[beeep] NO!!!"

I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!

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 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 17 Feb 2018, 07:25 
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Joined: 12 Sep 2010, 11:36
Posts: 6554
Location: Windber, PA
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 17 Feb 2018, 10:54 
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Professional Trapper
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Joined: 29 Jan 2007, 10:43
Posts: 7490
Location: Top of the hill in Ill.
the teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

....I love these touching stories !!!

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 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 17 Feb 2018, 14:26 
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THE LAST WORD
THE LAST WORD

Joined: 14 Mar 2008, 20:20
Posts: 11839
Location: west virginia
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love children.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more,' so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

_________________
Those who trade liberty for security shall have neither.

"Take ye heed,watch and pray: for ye know not when the time is".

Rev. 6:8 and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was death , and Hell followed with him.


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 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 17 Feb 2018, 14:46 
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Professional Trapper
Professional Trapper

Joined: 29 Jan 2007, 10:43
Posts: 7490
Location: Top of the hill in Ill.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 17 Feb 2018, 14:53 
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THE LAST WORD
THE LAST WORD

Joined: 14 Mar 2008, 20:20
Posts: 11839
Location: west virginia
IT PAYS TO KNOW GERMAN...
The Amish are "Non-violent" people!
BUT IT PAYS TO KNOW GERMAN
An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his irrigation dam with his hand.
The Amish Farmer shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuehe und die Schweine haben hineingeschissen!"
("Don't drink the water, the cows and pigs (Please excuse my language, I'm a bonehead) in it!")
The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, you Infidel!"
The Amish Farmer shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"

_________________
Those who trade liberty for security shall have neither.

"Take ye heed,watch and pray: for ye know not when the time is".

Rev. 6:8 and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was death , and Hell followed with him.


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 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 18 Feb 2018, 13:02 
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Joined: 12 Sep 2010, 11:36
Posts: 6554
Location: Windber, PA
:lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 18 Feb 2018, 13:15 
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Joined: 12 Sep 2010, 11:36
Posts: 6554
Location: Windber, PA
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, 'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear, you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been even higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am ?'

'Only when he's been drinking.'

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 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 18 Feb 2018, 14:09 
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Professional Trapper
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Joined: 29 Jan 2007, 10:43
Posts: 7490
Location: Top of the hill in Ill.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ........................Amish woman stopped by a traffic cop. He says, I noticed your reflector on the back of the buggy is broken. That could be a danger to you. She said, Thank Thee for bringing to my attention. I will ask my husband to check this as soon as I get home. The cop says,I notice one of your reigns is wrapped around the horses testicles,some might consider that to be cruel animal treatment. She says,I shall ask my husband to check this also. When she got home she told her husband, An Officer said the reflector needs repair, and, something seems to be wrong with the emergency brake.

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 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 19 Feb 2018, 04:22 
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Joined: 12 Sep 2010, 11:36
Posts: 6554
Location: Windber, PA
:lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 19 Feb 2018, 07:51 
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Professional Trapper
Professional Trapper

Joined: 29 Jan 2007, 10:43
Posts: 7490
Location: Top of the hill in Ill.
To Be 8 again!

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching my
wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off I asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking
in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, I arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! I put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming
Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later we staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. I then took her to a McDonald's and ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite
candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted.


I leaned over my wife & with a big smile lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.


'I meant my dress size, you freaking idiot!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

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 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 19 Feb 2018, 13:22 
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THE LAST WORD
THE LAST WORD

Joined: 14 Mar 2008, 20:20
Posts: 11839
Location: west virginia
:lol: :lol:

_________________
Those who trade liberty for security shall have neither.

"Take ye heed,watch and pray: for ye know not when the time is".

Rev. 6:8 and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was death , and Hell followed with him.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 19 Feb 2018, 14:46 
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Professional Trapper
Professional Trapper

Joined: 29 Jan 2007, 10:43
Posts: 7490
Location: Top of the hill in Ill.
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"

Tom's reply: "I wasn't.........."

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 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 19 Feb 2018, 18:45 
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Joined: 12 Sep 2010, 11:36
Posts: 6554
Location: Windber, PA
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 19 Feb 2018, 18:49 
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Joined: 12 Sep 2010, 11:36
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Location: Windber, PA
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a concert.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;

"The balcony!"

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 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 19 Feb 2018, 18:59 
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Joined: 29 Jan 2007, 10:43
Posts: 7490
Location: Top of the hill in Ill.
lmao.....

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 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 19 Feb 2018, 22:09 
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Professional Trapper
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Joined: 28 Jan 2011, 16:07
Posts: 3135
Location: northwestern Ontario
A Newfie riding his Harley along the TCH just outside of Port aux Basque when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'


The Newfie pulled over and replied, 'Build a bridge to North Sydney so I can ride over anytime I want.'


The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'


The Newfie thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'


The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes, or four on that bridge?'


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 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 19 Feb 2018, 22:13 
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Joined: 28 Jan 2011, 16:07
Posts: 3135
Location: northwestern Ontario
I know it's late notice, but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl in Minneapolis, MN at the new U. S. Bank Stadium on Sunday, February 4th . They are box seats and he paid $3,500 per ticket, which includes the ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, a $400.00 bar tab and a pass to the winners locker room after the game What he didn't realize when he bought them last year was that it's on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It's at St. Paul's Church at 3 p.m. Her name is Ashley. She's 5'4", about 115 pounds, a good cook, loves to fish and hunt and will clean your truck. She'll be the one in the white dress.


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 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 19 Feb 2018, 22:17 
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Joined: 29 Jan 2007, 10:43
Posts: 7490
Location: Top of the hill in Ill.
:--D :--D

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 Post subject: Re: a little humor
PostPosted: 20 Feb 2018, 09:24 
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Joined: 29 Jan 2007, 10:43
Posts: 7490
Location: Top of the hill in Ill.
A preacher walks by a little boy with a bottle of turpentine & the boy is shakin' it, the preacher asks the boy what he is doin'. the boy says this is the most powerful liquid in the world,oh no said the preacher the most powerful liquid in the world is holy water,you can put 2 drops of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach & she'll pass a baby boy,the little boy says that ain't nothin' you put 2 drops of this turpentine on a cat's butt & he'll pass a motorcycle.

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