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 Post subject: some good jokes
PostPosted: 27 Mar 2017, 18:50 

Joined: 14 Mar 2008, 20:20
Posts: 11926
Location: west virginia

A married Irishman went  into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with  another woman.'
The priest  said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got  undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing  together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.  For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then  walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started  to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him  saying, 'I saw that.. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The  Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to  you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Lemon  Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to  Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father,  for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be  forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made  passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard  and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Looks of Disappointment
A man was just  waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his  side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell  asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she  stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,  'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it  was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The  man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Catholic  Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a  pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish  priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for  the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we  cannot have services for an animal in the church..... But there are some  Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe  they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right  away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the  service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!  Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Father O'Malley answers the  phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is  the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted  Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He  will.'

An elderly man walks into a  confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years  old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and  great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking.  We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm  Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man:  'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel  Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam  he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the  ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

An elderly man went to his  doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I  have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor.  'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Pest  Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish  inspector from a pest-control company... One afternoon they were carrying on  in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she  pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became  suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the  closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector  from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in  there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an  infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your  clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and  said, 'Those little *******!'

Marriage  Humor
Wife:  'What are you  doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage  certificate  for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
Wife: 'Do  you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
Stress  Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your  worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very  kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this  morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I  was sitting on daddy's lap.'
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would  you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,'  the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A  FORTUNE!'
A  wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my  sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like  your sense of humor!'
Husbands are  husbands
A man was  sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a  frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied  'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in  your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last  week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went  on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his  wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him  unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit  again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
Give me a sense of humor,  Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of  life

Those who trade liberty for security shall have neither.

"Take ye heed,watch and pray: for ye know not when the time is".

Rev. 6:8 and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was death , and Hell followed with him.

 Post subject: Re: some good jokes
PostPosted: 27 Mar 2017, 19:02 
Professional Trapper
Professional Trapper

Joined: 28 Jan 2011, 16:07
Posts: 3138
Location: northwestern Ontario
:lol: :lol: :lol:

 Post subject: Re: some good jokes
PostPosted: 27 Mar 2017, 22:20 
Professional Trapper
Professional Trapper

Joined: 06 Jan 2011, 23:10
Posts: 1058
Location: NW Oregon
If I was 92, I'd be telling everyone, too!

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